Sticks And Stones
by xstrss
Summary: Stick and stones may break your bones but words are way more powerful. When Jade attacks Tori with hers, she doesn't know what she's actually causing. When Tori feels like she's breaking, she can't run away from her addiction. Jori. Trigger warning: self harm / depression.
1. -

She couldn't tell when it started.

Maybe when she was 12 and her anxiety grew due to her problems making friends? Maybe when she was 13 and the bullying started… Maybe when she was 14 and her parents started leaving her house for long periods and she found herself alone, watching TV and feeling lost, wishing for someone to just stay around, make dinner for her, sing her to sleep.

She couldn't tell because her memories were fading, mixing around. She just knew she was too in deep to stop, it was like a thin rope who left her hanging, who made her able to pretend.

She remembers doing it the night before joining Hollywood Arts, desperate, scared. Feeling like she didn't deserve the opportunity, feeling like she was a fraud. She remembers telling Trina she was going to take a long bath, and her mom and dad saying they'd stay home to make a great dinner to celebrate. She took her razor and told herself she needed this, like she always did. She tried to excuse it, like an addict. She tried to fade the guilt. Why couldn't she be happy? It was good news, she was going to be accepted in a new school, a big dream made true, and still she couldn't accept it without the pain. Without slicing herself, without forgetting about everything bad. Like if she didn't deserve something good.

She remembers wrapping her arms in bandages, pain stinging in her whole body. She went out the tub and cleaned a bit. When she arrived to the living room, her parents weren't there. Trina told her they had to go, so the big dinner became a pizza with some money they left. She remembers squeezing her arms, blaming herself and relaxing at the pain coming. She always ruined everything. Both sisters had dinner together and talked about trivial stuff, then went to bed. She remembers not being able to sleep for a while, turning and moving, wounds itching, heart drenched. She remembers wanting to die.

The first time she wanted to die.

.

.

Morning came like a punch in the face. Tori opened her eyes and looked at the alarm clock. It was still five minutes until waking up time, but she still turned it off and stood up. Her pajamas had blood stains all around the sleeves, and were stuck on her wounds. She undressed herself painfully and cleaned the pajamas a bit, then took a shower. She cleaned the dried blood and then went to dress up. She looked at her desk and remembered her homework. Shit. She totally forgot to finish it after the breakdown she had yesterday.

She couldn't exactly remember what happened, the gang had spent Wednesday afternoon in her house practicing for a play. It was fun. Then Cat asked to borrow the orange sweater she was wearing, and she excused herself lamely to change into another. While she was changing clothes, she heard Jade and Beck fighting again. Their break up didn't help them much, and Beck seeing other girls right after it didn't help Jade's attitude towards everyone. She sighed. This would end bad.

She went downstairs and gave Cat the sweater just when Beck was leaving. He gave everyone a hug, which didn't help her case. Jade started screaming at her, saying that it was all a plot to date him and then left. The room went silent.

Everyone left. She sat down, trying to relax her pounding heart, the anger and the sadness that overcame her every time she had a fight with Jade. She had the insults going around her head. Hurting her, destroying the little self esteem that remained.

That was it, she had an anxiety attack after that. She looked at the time, trying to remember all this made her lose some precious minutes. After dressing up, Tori finished her homework and ran to Trina's room. They were going to be late. Trina was grumpy and Tori's body was hurting at every step, so they both enjoyed a rather quiet way to school.

When they arrived, Trina ran towards some of her friends and Tori walked quietly to her locker. The hallways were pretty empty, she looked at the time on her phone and then took some books. She rested her head against the cold metal, it was hot today, but she still had to wear the long-sleeved sweater. Her headache and stinging arms didn't help much.

She saw Jade approaching her locker looking at her phone, half smile on her face. Tori wondered if she remembered the fight they had yesterday. When the gang wasn't around, it seemed like Jade could tolerate Tori. They even had some friendship moments alone, but if their friends were there, Tori would become her personal trash can. And she allowed it. She cherished their moments together so much that she allowed the constant bullying from the girl, just to have tiny happy moments with her.

Jade was writing something on her phone while distractedly grabbing some books and putting them on her bag. She seemed kinda happy today. Her makeup was on point, her hair was beautiful, she was wearing a black skirt and some sort of corset. Tori blushed a bit and closed her eyes. Breathing slowly. She heard footsteps approaching and opened her eyes to find the beautiful girl smiling smugly at her.

\- You look like shit. - She commented, while looking at the mess that Tori was made of that morning.

Tori laughed bitterly

\- Yeah, I've seen myself. - She disconnected her head from the cold metal of her locker and checked her phone again. - We have biology together with Andre now, right?

Jade nodded.

\- I haven't seen them around yet anyway. Cat was late when I spoke to her this morning, and I saw Beck with some stupid senior grabbing a coffee. - She commented, like it wasn't a big deal.

\- Are you... Okay with that? I mean, with the... breakup and everything... - Tori asked softly, looking at her feet.

\- You should worry about your own shit, Vega. You look like you could use two months of sleep. - Tori looked up to Jade, laughing softly. - But yeah, - Jade added. - I'm fine, I don't want him anymore, I'm just... He literally... Started seeing girls right after the break up, like if our three-year relationship meant nothing. And it makes me so fucking angry you can't even imagine. - She clenched her fists and growled.

\- He's been acting like an idiot with you lately - Tori commented, looking at the time again. They still had some minutes before class. - I remember hearing you yesterday, when I went to change. He said a lot of shit.

\- Yeah. Well. About that... - Jade looked uncomfortable. - You know I don't apologize and everything, but well... I know you don't want to fuck Beck or whatever. I was just really mad.

\- That's fine. - Tori said, smiling happily. - I don't mind the screams if they help you cope with your anger.

They looked at eachother. Jade opened her mouth to add something but Andre interrupted the moment

\- Fancy meeting you here without killing each other, ladies. - He said. - What were you talking about?

\- Just reminding Tori she looks like shit, you know. For the record. - Jade said. Andre shot her a look and Tori stopped smiling. There she was again.

The three of them fell into comfortable silence while walking to class. Tori sleepily followed Jade and sat beside her. She put her bag on the floor and started taking her books out. Jade shot her a death glare, but Tori didn't notice, so she pushed her chair with her foot, making Tori fall to the floor and bump her head with the chair beside her, occupied by Andre.

She got up from the floor, slowly. Dizziness overcoming her. She saw the teacher screaming at Jade and heard something about detention. Lifting her hand slowly, she pressed it against the pounding pain on her head, checking for blood. Luckily, there wasn't any.

Andre helped her sit behind him, away from Jade. He grabbed her books and her bag and asked her if she was okay. Tori nodded, her headache making every little movement ten times harder. She settled herself just when her teacher had stopped screaming at Jade, who turned slowly and looked at her with one of her darkests looks. "Great." thought Tori. "She's blaming me for her detention. God, why does she have to be like this? We just had a moment. And it's like she forgot everything."

The class went on without further interruptions. When the bell rang, Tori gathered her things quickly and left the room. She ran to her locker and dropped her books, then ran to the Janitor's closet and locked herself, sitting on the floor. The frustration and anger she tried to suppress during biology slowly becoming sadness, tears gathering in her eyes.

However, she didn't cry. She cleaned her eyes with her sleeve, composed herself and breathed slowly, digging her nails in her wounds, opening them. Before starting to bleed, she placed some tissues on them and wrapped her arms in a cloth she always has on her bag. Her movements almost mechanical. She stood up and looked at the time. She was late to second period, so she decided to skip. She had advanced Spanish, and none of her friends shared that class with her since her Spanish was almost native.

The rest of the day was pretty easy. None of her friends noticed her little skip, and lunchtime came quickly. Thursday was the last day of the week, since they had Friday off, and Tori needed the weekend. She had declined every single plan her friends had proposed so she could spend those three days in bed, resting.

She bought a salad and sat on their usual table, Cat and Robbie already there. She forced her best smile and talked with them, moving her fork around the salad, not hungry at all. Andre, Jade and Beck appeared not long after she had arrived, and started making plans for the weekend.

\- Jade, Tori, do you guys want to come to mine today after school? We could watch some movies together and have a sleepover! - Cat asked happily.

\- Sorry Cat, I'm busy this weekend, remember? - Tori smiled sadly. Cat nodded and looked to Jade.

\- As much as I'd love going to yours to watch some lame Disney movies and go to sleep at 9, fucking Vega got me grounded today.

Tori rolled her eyes.

\- You were the one who pushed her off the chair. - Commented Andre, not looking up his sandwich. Jade shot him a death glare.

\- Who told her she could sit right beside me!? It's her fucking fault for not thinking. I was going to go to some experimental concert with some metal bands that I like and now I'm fucking stuck in the school today. And it's all miss goody good's fault!

Everyone stayed silent, probably waiting for Tori to say something, but she couldn't. Her headache and tiredness decided to stay silent for her, and she silently scratched her wounds to feel the pain, to make her anger disappear. While Cat and Robbie slowly brought another conversation, Andre asked her if she was okay. Tori said she was probably getting sick and smiled at him, and he let it go.

Everyone stood up and lazily started to make their way to class. Tori dumped her untouched salad and looked at her phone. They had class with Sikowitz now, and even that one was her favorite, she would rather have something else where she could just sit in the back row and say nothing.

\- C'mon Chica, come sit with me now. Let's see if we finish this class and we can go home already. - Andre said. Tori smiled at his worried friend, and tried to ask him about his songs, so he would forget about her. They talked on their way to class, laughing together.

When Sikowitz arrived, he talked a bit about emotions and how to show them in acting scenes. Some students did an improv after that, luckily Tori could stay on her seat. She was having a good time, actually. This class always helped her mood. She laughed and joked with Robbie and Andre and forgot about her arms, her headache and her tiredness.

\- We still have twenty minutes to go, let's do some alphabet improv, who's up? - Said Sikowitz, looking at the students in front of him. Some raised their hands, Tori faked a cough and looked away. - Andre, Cat, Tori, Jade, would you mind? - Jade groaned behind Tori, who closed her eyes in defeat. Andre gave her a friendly pat on the back and she stood up with the rest of her friends.

\- Who wants to give me a place? - Said Sikowitz, expectantly. Beck said park. - Park is a good option. Jade, you're a kind and sweet mom who's taking her cute child, Cat, to the park. Just when you're arriving, you discover Andre, your amazing husband, with another woman. That would be Tori. - Tori tried to say something. – Jade, start with D, would you? And… ACTION!

\- Don't touch my husband! - Jade screamed, slapping Tori in the face. She stumbled and touched her face, surprised.

\- Everytime we go to the park someone ruins it... - Said Cat, in a child-like voice.

\- Fabiola! Why did you slap my friend Tori? - Andre said, lamely. Everyone looked at him.

\- Fabiola? - Asked Cat, puzzled.

A really loud sound startled all of them.

\- Cat, you're out! You had to go with G!

\- He said Fabiola!

\- I never said you had to go with your actual names. Come on, children, G, it is !

\- Geez, why did you slap me? I was just saying hi to my friend. I wasn't trying to steal anything. - Said Tori, remembering about Beck.

\- Hiding the truth, are you? - Asked Jade in a really low tone. Her anger looked real.

\- Im tired of your jealously! - Screamed Andre. - She's just a friend!

\- Just shut up! im talking to her.

\- We're three in this conversation!

Again, the loud noise.

\- Not anymore! - screamed Sikowitz. – Andre, you're out!

Tori looked at Jade, half scared half tired. She thought about losing in purpose to avoid what it was going to happen, but her pride didn't let her. Instead, she decided to go on and end it fairly.

\- 'Kay 'Kay, listen. - Sikowitz didn't stop her so she imagined it was okay. – I think we started the wrong way. I'm an old friend and I just wanted to say hi…

\- Lame excuse! Stop trying to defend your case, you're dead!

\- My god, listen to me, would you? I have a boyfriend! – Tori added, trying to smooth the angry ambient a bit, but Jade wasn't having it.

\- No way! You're on of those who steals and cheats? What a plot twist. – She said, smugly.

\- Oh, that's it. I do not cheat, or steal!

\- Poor girl, are you getting all worked up?

\- Quit the attitude! You were the one that accused me to steal your man and didn't even let me explain myself. I just wanted to be nice! – Tori said, half referring about when both met.

\- Ready to hear the truth? – Jade said, angrily. Tori gulped. – You're a liar. And a fucking freak. You think you can go around fooling everyone, being nice and whatever, but you don't fool me! I don't like you one bit. You came to my life and made everything harder. You stole my friends, you stole my plays, you even get me detentions!

\- Stop already! I didn't steal anything, I won the roles fairly, your friends are also mine now, and you were the one who pushed me! You deserve this! I only wanted to be your friend, but you're using me! You use me, make me think you're slowly letting me be something in your life, and then you just… Push me away! Literally!

Jade looked at her, clenching her hands into tight fists. Tori backed up, but Jade grabbed her wrist, holding it strongly, making her hide a scream of pain, her wounds opening.

\- To be honest, - Jade said, low tone and hatefully. - I wish you were dead. I wish you would go and kill yourself.

Sikowitz screamed at Jade, telling her to stop. But as he was approaching them, Jade stopped him with a glare. Tori swallowed, not being able to reply. A huge knot tying inside her throat, unable to breathe. She tried to run but Jade gripped her wrist harder. Tori saw red stains starting to appear on her sleeve.

\- If you were dead. Everyone would be happy! I would be! I would have my friends back, my roles back. I would have my life back. You're just an annoying prick, so just go, and fucking kill yourself!

She opened her hand, liberating Tori, who backed up and looked around. Everyone was wide eyed, not saying anything. She looked at Jade again, tears gathering on her eyes. Then saw the blood stains on her sleeve, and then she ran. She ran, and ran, and didn't stop.

She ran missing the screams of their friends telling her to stop, the anger on Sikowitz's voice, missing Andre's worried look and Cat disappointed expression, and missing Jade's guilt crossing her face when she looked at her hand, covered in blood.

.

.

 **Will be back soon to share next chapter, hope you like what you read !**

 **-k**


	2. --

Tori loved running. Before becoming an addict, every time something went wrong, she would go out and run. She loved the feeling, the air on her face, her hair going crazy wild, she felt free, and when she ran, the problems seemed to disappear.

That was, of course, before discovering the razors. Before discovering the pain that eased everything. It was almost instantly, and way more powerful and useful than running ever was. She used to mix both, leaving the worse problems for the razor and the lighter ones for the running, but as time passed, her addiction grew, her desperation overcoming her, and running stopped being enough.

However, she ran today. She ran because she hadn't any other option. She ran all the way to her house, not feeling the breeze on her face or the sun on her skin. She ran like someone was chasing her, nonstop, until she reached it.

She had forgotten her bag at school, but luckily, she had her phone and her keys on her pockets. She opened the front door and stepped in. No one was there, it wasn't a surprise. For the first time in her life, she was grateful. She wanted to be alone. She needed it.

She went upstairs and started a warm bath. She murmured excuses to herself. "I need this." or "No one cares." Tears streaming down her cheeks, she didn't even try to stop them. She looked at the mirror on the bathroom, at the ghost of the girl that she once was. At the skinny bloody mess that she was made of, and "oh" she thought, "it's not bloody enough"

\- She would love this - She surprised herself saying out loud. - She would laugh and push me to the edge. She would want me dead. Not would. She wants me dead.

Saying it out loud didn't help.

\- Look what you're doing to me, Jade. - She laughed bitterly. - Why do I care anyway? Why do I... Why do I care so much about what you think?

She looked at the tub, now filled with hot water, since she forgot to change it to cold so it would be warm. She shrugged and got in anyway, burning herself, enjoying it. She cried, screamed, and hurt herself. She drew lines along her veins, watching hypnotically how the blood fell from her arms, joining the water, making it red.

.

.

She woke up an hour later, her body numb and heavy, her face resting in the cold wall. She got out the tub and started cleaning and drying herself. The wounds were still open and her body felt terrible; she had lost a lot of blood. She covered them and walked to her room, wondering why she couldn't let herself die. She dressed up and fell to her bed, her heavy and tired body making it impossible to move. "I need to eat something, recover all I've lost" she thought, but didn't move. She closed her eyes.

Her phone went off.

She grabbed it sleepily and looked at the name. It was Jade. She ignored it, and saw six other missed calls from her friends. Even Jade had texted her. She opened her conversation.

" **Vega, you there"**

"Yeah, as much as you wish I wasn't" she thought, and just when she was about put her phone down, she saw she was writing again.

 **"you're online, answer me"**

"This girl is unbelievable" Tori snorted, but waited for her next text.

 **"I had blood on my hand"**

Tori sighed. She didn't want to face this now. She didn't have a proper excuse.

 **"Did I grab you that hard?"**

Tori groaned and started typing.

 **"No, you didn't. I had a cat scratch and I guess I opened it when I tried to get away from you."**

 **"Oh, I see."**

Tori put her phone down, thinking the conversation was over, but a sound made her pick it up again.

 **"I was going to check on you, like, personally; but I'm on detention."**

 **"Sucks for you"**

 **"Can I come over later?"**

"What the heck?" thought Tori.

 **"Please, don't."**

Jade stayed quiet for a while, erasing and writing again.

 **"Everyone was so worried about you when you ran off like that."**

 **"Oh, im so sorry"**

 **"Im coming over in an hour, I'll skip half of the detention"**

 **"I said no. I don't want you here. You don't even care."**

Tori shut her phone off, clenching her fists into tight balls, punching her pillow.

\- Why! Are! You! Like! This! - she screamed, crying. - Why are you like this!? Why don't you care!? - She punched the wall, then looked at her fist, red spots appearing on her knuckles. She punched it again, quietly, more like a test. Her fist pounding. A new kind of pain she didn't know, interesting.

It was hot, so she tossed her sweater away. Fixed her bandages and let herself fall in the bed, falling asleep almost instantly.

.

.

Jade sent another message, which never arrived. She sighed and started gathering her things. She had decided to skip detention to check on Tori, and she really needed to apologize.

The teacher stood up and excused himself to go to the bathroom, and Jade saw the opportunity. She rushed to the exit, running to her car and started it before anyone noticed. She pulled off and drove to Tori's, repeating the apology in her head to not miss anything.

She didn't want Tori dead, not at all, she was just angry. Tori knew she had anger issues, didn't she? everyone knew, for fuck's sake.

She sighed again. She was tired of herself, so tired. She didn't want to hurt people all the time, or push them away, but the real her was so stupid, so easily hurt. Tori would hate her instantly if she changed, wouldn't she? She would stop giving her any attention.

She stopped at a red light, surprised by her own thoughts. She didn't want Tori's attention. Why would she want Tori's attention? She didn't want to like the girl! She didn't want to… She wanted to… She wanted… what did she want?

She shook her head and parked her car in Tori's driveway, getting out. There were no more cars, as usual. She entered the house and after checking the living room, she went upstairs.

Tori's room was open and she saw the girl on the bed, not moving. She had a bad feeling and approached her, whispering her name. Tori frowned and moved a bit, nudging her head in the pillow she was hugging.

\- Vega, wake up. It's lame to be asleep this early. - She mentally slapped herself. - Come on - She added, softly. - We need to talk.

Tori moved again, lifting her arm and pushing Jade gently, mumbling something about five more minutes. Jade grabbed Tori's hand and turned it around, looking at the bandages. She also saw the old scars on her shoulder and sighed loudly.

\- You're such a bad liar, Tori. - she murmured.

She dropped Tori's hand and left the room, walking downstairs. She opened the front door and then closed it soundly.

\- Tori! I'm here and I want to talk to you! - She screamed, making sure she'd wake the girl up. - Are you home?

Tori opened her eyes at the loud sound and rushed to put a sweater over her. She cleaned everything a bit just when she heard Jade knocking in her closed door. "Weird, I don't remember closing it."

Jade opened the door and looked at the girl for the second time today. She had a black fuzzy sweater on with her messy hair all over her shoulders, her tired eyes reflecting all the sadness in the world. She looked beautiful. Pure. Even more than with her makeup on and her hair curled and done. She looked prettier than when she was smiling happily, and Jade knew exactly why.

This was the real Tori.

\- I told you not to come. - Tori said, running a hand through her hair. Jade closed her mouth and looked at her feet.

\- I don't want you dead, or hurt. - She looked up again. - I'm sorry, seriously. I even prepared a huge speech about how being frenemies is our thing and how I have a lot of anger issues and you should understand, but... That's not even an apology. Right? - She laughed - It was never our thing, arguing all the time, I mean. It was mine.

Tori sat on her bed, hugging her knees.

\- It's okay, Jade. - She lied. - I don't mind the screams if they help you cope. - She repeated what she had said this morning.

\- Yes, you do. You do mind. You do mind more than you tell me, or anyone. - She looked at her arms briefly, which were safely covered. She didn't know what to do, how to bring the subject.

Tori shifted uncomfortably.

\- Why do you always say you hate me that much, and then come to me when you need stuff? Why are you doing this now when we both know tomorrow you will act like this never happened? Why do you act like you care and then...?

She stopped, tears falling freely. Jade felt a knot on her stomach. She wanted to comfort her, tell her the truth. But what truth? She didn't even understand what was happening.

\- Why do I want you to care? - murmured Tori.

Jade swallowed.

\- I do care. - Tori looked up to find the girl right in front of her. - I do care. A lot, actually. More than I've ever wanted. And it's true I didn't like you at first, but... You were there and you were so nice and sweet and you tried to help me every time I needed it and I just... Blamed you for everything I could find. I didn't want to stop hating you, I didn't want to give you that satisfaction, but I ended up obsessed. I ended up liking you so much that I needed to make your life impossible in order to receive some attention from you, but I was so scared you would hate me forever that I acted normally when we were alone so you'd stay with me, and then I wouldn't be able to treat you the same when the rest was around. I was scared, I was stupid. I'm so sorry, Tori. I'm so fucking sorry for using you as my punching bag. – Jade finished, surprised at her own words. It came from her heart, so it had to be the truth.

Tori allowed herself to breathe when Jade stopped talking. She looked down and opened her mouth, then closed it again.

\- I'm sorry I pushed you away, I'm sorry I was never there when you needed me. - Jade added.

Tori sighed and looked up.

\- I can't believe you, Jade. - Jade tried to say something but Tori interrupted her. - It's not that I don't want to believe you, I simply can't. You're always like this, nice when we're alone, horrible when we're with the gang. I thought I knew why. I mean, it looked like you were just trying to hide your soft side, or whatever, and I was kinda okay with it; but you never said something like that before. You never wished I was dead.

Jade dig her nails on her hands, feeling terribly wrong.

\- You know the worst part? I wish it too. I wish I was so dead. - She smiled at her, red eyes crystalized with reflections of all the unshed tears gathered on them. - I wish I was dead so you could be happy again.

Jade looked at her, shocked. She tried to say something but her throat closed, moving her head from side to side, trying to deny it. She didn't realize she was crying until Tori lifted her hand and dried her cheek, lovingly. Her sleeve going down and revealing the bandages and the scars. Jade grabbed her hand with hers and cried against it, whispering apologizes. Tori smiled softly, caressing her hair and hands. She felt she had arrived at the bottom, she had never felt this sad, tired and destroyed. So, she smiled, smiled because she thought she had reached the end.

\- Stay with me. - Murmured Jade, still crying. - Please, I would never be happy without you.

\- I think I've never felt like this before. - Said Tori, almost laughing, her voice broken. Jade looked at her, questioningly. – I've reached the highest sadness in the world.

\- You never reach the highest sadness in the world. - Said Jade, pulling down her sleeve and examining her cuts. – But I know what you mean. Have you even cleaned these?

Tori shook her head.

\- Let's do that now, okay? - Jade got up and leaded her to the bathroom.

\- Why are you staying? Tori asked. - You don't care.

\- It's okay if you don't believe me, I haven't been very trustful, have I? - Tori smiled. - But I will prove it to you. I'm tired of being scared. I'd rather have you alive and hating me than dead.

Tori chuckled and let Jade do her thing. It felt nice having someone around and not having to fake her usual happiness. She closed her eyes and felt Jade's cold hands unwrapping the bandages and cleaning the mess.

\- You're good at this. - Tori commented, eyes still closed. Jade stopped, making Tori open her eyes. - What?

Jade silently raised her skirt a bit, revealing old, white scars. Tori's eyes widened in shock.

\- I'm sad too, you know. But I learned to live with it. - She grabbed her wrist again and kept cleaning. Tori looked at the ceiling, not knowing what to say.

\- I'm sorry. I wish I could do something. - Whispered Tori, after a pause. Jade looked up surprised.

\- You do a lot! And not exactly by being my punching bag, you know... You've helped me a lot of times. - She finished wrapping her arm in a new set of bandages, but didn't let her hand go. – You've helped more without knowing you were than Beck ever did knowing almost everything. I guess that's what scared me, your fake bubbly personality that actually helped me. You scared the shit out of me. Hah, who would have thought.

Tori stayed quiet.

\- What I felt for you, what I feel for you. It changed from dislike to something else, some kind of need. I needed you around, caring about me, but I didn't want you to stop trying. I didn't want you to stop giving me the attention you gave me every time you tried to make me proud, every time you tried to be my friend. I thought… I thought that if I let you in, you would stop trying so hard. And eventually forgetting about me.

\- I would never forget about you.

Jade looked up and locked eyes with Tori. She was breathtaking when she wasn't faking a smile and trying to fool everyone. Tori felt like she was drowning in blue, Jade's eyes were incredible. She confirmed what she already knew. Jade's soft side was her favorite thing in the world.

Without knowing what they were doing, they leaned, breathing slowly, nose brushing slightly. Tori closed her eyes and placed her hand on Jade's cheek, who put hers on Tori's neck. They were so close, it felt so good…

A loud sound downstairs made them separate almost instantly. Startled, scared, and wide eyed.

"What did just happen" Both thought.

.

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 **i hope its not rushed. See you soon.**

 **-k**


	3. ---

Trina entered the house and dropped the bags with a loud thud. After a long afternoon of shopping, she was exhausted and willing to just lay on the couch and order a pizza. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and grabbed the remote, lazily. She turned around surprised when she heard footsteps behind her.

\- Tori, I thought you were outside with your friends or whatever. – She stated, while ordering online. – Do you wanna share a pizza? Wait, is that Jade behind you?

\- Hey, I didn't feel well so I came home, Jade brought me. She was leaving. – She quickly lied.

\- Uh, yeah. I was totally leaving now.

Trina shot them a confused look. The teens in front of her looked so nervous, like kids hiding candy. "Whatever." She thought, "I'm not their mom."

Jade and Tori walked to the door, her heads spinning with all the emotions shared that afternoon. Jade looked at her, then back at her feet.

\- Well, hope you… Get better. Yeah. I'll see you soon?

\- Sure, I mean, if you want, I mean…

Jade smiled.

\- Ill text you later.

And she was gone. Tori pulled her sleeves down as a reflex and entered the house. Her heart pounding. She looked at her sister, who was still ordering.

\- So, you're down for the pizza? – She said, not looking at her.

\- I'm not hungry, you know. Cramps and everything…? – She excused herself, and ran upstairs.

Trina just shrugged and kept looking at her phone.

.

.

Tori locked herself in her room. What the hell just happened? Well, what the hell happened today, in general? First, Jade wishes she was dead, and then comes and just… Takes care of her? And then she cries? And then… They almost kiss!?

She laid on her bed, looking at the ceiling. The events of today replaying on her mind. "Jade apologized." She thought. "It's not usual, but it isn't entirely weird, I guess. Probably someone on the gang made her do it. Cat maybe?" She rolled on her tummy and hid her face on her pillow. "But then I started crying, and she looked like she was genuinely sorry… And then she said all those things… and then she cried! Jade cried! She cried because I was so sad… And then cleaned my cuts…"

She stopped dead.

"My cuts. How did she know about them? She just pulled down my sleeve and I was so freaking caught up in the moment I didn't realize. She knows about them!" She rolled on her back again, freaking out. "She used to cut, too…" She remembers, and closes her eyes. "She used to cut and then we almost freaking kiss. I hit rock bottom and she just… Grabbed me and pulled me up in seconds. My god. What a day."

Tori ran a hand through her hair, sighing. She always had those weird mixed feelings about Jade, some kind of need of approval. She always thought the dark-haired girl was annoying and tiring, as well as beautiful, talented and fun, but she had never thought about what it meant. Did she want to be her friend? Or did she want more?

She groaned and hugged her pillow. All the thinking becoming into a pounding headache, she decided to go to sleep and forget about everything. She was drifting into it when her phone buzzed.

" **Hey, you asleep?"**

She thought a bit about answering or not.

" **not anymore"**

" **Can we talk a bit?"**

" **yeah, sure"**

" **I've been thinking about what you said today"**

" **?"**

" **About not being able to believe my apology"**

" **yeah, about that, don't give it a hard thought."**

" **I want to prove it to you"**

" **?"**

" **I want to prove that I care, like, seriously"**

" **how are you going to do that"**

" **First, by telling you that every time you start a sentence you're supposed to use a capital letter."**

Tori snorted.

" **im sorry shakespeare, im tired"**

" **That works for names as well."**

" **yeah well, going back to what you said…"**

" **Ah, yes. Look. I want to ask you a few favors."**

" **I thought it was about making me forgive you."**

" **Shut up, they're easy. Look. I want you to call me every time you feel like hurting yourself."**

"… **.yeah, well, that's probably the hardest thing to ask, could you try another favor…?"**

" **I know that's the hardest thing to ask, that's why I wanted to start with it. Just try, okay? I swear for all the things I love that I won't ever laugh at you, whatever it takes."**

Tori sighed and looked up. She studied the shapes of the ceiling and grabbed her phone again, to look at the next message.

" **I also want you to promise you'll let me help. At least until you get proper, professional help."**

" **what? ugh… jade… why are you doing this?"**

" **I told you I'd prove you I care."**

" **no, like, seriously. There's a lot of ways to care, but you're going for the deepest shit."**

" **Lmao"**

" **what"**

" **You said shit."**

" **oh my god jade"**

Jade snorted and typed an honest answer.

" **Honestly, I wish someone had been there when I was in the deepest shit."**

"… **im sorry"**

" **Don't be, you helped a lot, even without knowing. If you don't want to believe that I want to help you, let me just help you because I owe you."**

"… **okay… btw… sorry about today, my sister has this special talent of appearing when you don't want her to"**

" **That's fine. I had to go anyway. What are you doing this long weekend?"**

" **sleeping forever, you?"**

" **Going to yours to spend the night. Save some money for a pizza"**

Tori rolled her eyes but didn't push her away, tiredness overcoming her. She looked at the time.

" **i like you when you're nice to me, im falling asleep, talk to you tomorrow"**

" **I'll be there at 5. I like you when you're not faking happiness, it's nice."**

" **haha, you just said you like me"**

" **Shut up, you said it first.**

 **Vega?**

 **Goodnight, Tori."**

.

Jade dropped her phone and connected it to the charger. Then laid on her bed. She was too nervous about today to even sleep, but she really wanted the night to end so she could see Tori again. "Wait, did I just… Ugh. Vega…" She sighed and traced distractedly the marks on her stomach. She had basically blurted out her feelings to Tori today without even thinking about it before, and she didn't really understand them. All she said was true, but totally new to her. She wanted her attention, god. She wanted Tori's attention! This was unbelievable. Since when she needed Tori's attention? Tori's recognition? Tori's breath on her neck…? Tori's arm around her waist…?

They almost kissed.

Realization came over her and she stood up almost instantly. Oh my god. She was totally caught up in her stupid feelings and all of Vega's problems. She had forgotten! They were millimeters apart, so close… Jade went red and fell on her bed again. They almost kissed.

And she loved it.

.

.

.

Morning came too quickly for an exhausted Tori. She looked at her phone. It was only 10 o'clock, too early for her. She really needed to sleep but apparently, she was totally unable. She texted Jade a brief good morning and stood up, walking slowly to the shower. For the first day in weeks, she just showered, not hurting herself or crying. She enjoyed the warm water and felt refreshed. After dressing up and tying her hair in a bun, she grabbed her books and decided to finish her homework.

After a couple of hours, she heard Trina walking downstairs and she went out, following her. She was ready to go out to the mall again, dressed and make up on. She grabbed a snack and Tori remembered about food all of a sudden. When was the last time she ate at all?

\- I'm leaving baby sis, see you later. – Trina grabbed her purse and disappeared. Tori opened the fridge and grabbed a Tupperware with some spaghetti, she heated them and looked at her phone. No new messages, nothing interesting. Jade was probably asleep.

She ate silently, flicking through the TV. She heard thunder outside, and opened a curtain to see rain pouring down like it was the end of the world. Tori smiled, she loved storms so much, they were so relaxing.

Her thoughts were quickly interrupted when she heard knocking on her door. She rushed and opened it to reveal a really wet and shivering Jade.

\- Hey! – She said, rushing to help her inside. – I thought you were coming at 5?

\- I decided to take a walk and surprise you early, - she was breathing heavily. – But it started raining so hard and I had to run… – She panted. Tori rushed to get some towels, and then led her upstairs to the bathroom so she could shower.

She appeared a while after, changed already on her pajamas.

\- Sorry, - she said, - I don't have any other thing to wear. Not that we plan on going for a walk, right?

Tori made her bed while looking at her. She was kneeled, roaming on her bag. Tori finished her work and quickly cleaned a bit. When she finished, she saw Jade looking at her, with an unreadable expression on her face, like studying her. Tori waved a hand in front of her face and Jade snapped out of the trance.

\- Ah! Sorry. I was just… - She blushed a bit, looking away. Tori smirked. Then she saw some movies on her hands. – I brought some musicals. I know you like them and I don't mind them that much… I just want to have a nice afternoon, you know… As friends…? – She added the last part, a hint of insecurity on her voice. Tori smiled.

\- I'd love that, really.

Jade asked about lunch, and Tori assured her she had already ate. Jade got some leftovers from the fridge and they made some popcorn. The rain filling the comfortable silence of the room.

\- Hey, where are your parents? – Jade asked, casually.

Tori didn't look at her.

\- I don't know.

\- They're never around.

\- I've noticed.

Jade was surprised at the harsh comeback. She fidgeted a bit, then placed a hand on Tori's shoulder.

\- It bothers you, doesn't it? Being alone all the time.

Tori didn't answer and Jade smiled.

\- El que calla otorga.

Tori looked up to her, wide eyed. That was Spanish. Jade just said a rather difficult sentence in Spanish. And it made sense. Jade laughed at her reaction.

\- My dad traveled to Spain when I was 14, he stayed there for like, 9 months. I remember he told me he fell in love with traditional Spanish sayings. This one got stuck in my head. You say it when someone doesn't answer, but their answer is obviously yes, right? – Tori nodded, laughing softly. – I don't really remember what it exactly means…

\- I guess you could translate it like "the one who goes silent is the one who approves", but it doesn't make much sense. I like it better in Spanish. You're full of surprises, West. – She said, smirking.

\- I sometimes forget you're bilingual. It's so cool. – Jade finished her food and dropped the plate at the dishwasher, then cleaned a bit. They both grabbed the popcorn and a few water bottles and sat on the couch. Tori set the first musical: Rent.

\- Would you like to know any other language?

\- Russian calls me a lot. – Answered Jade, looking at the opening credits on the screen.

\- Really? – Laughed Tori. – I guess it suits you. It's an angry language, just like German.

\- They're not! They're beautiful. I'd also learn Spanish, French and Italian. And maybe Japanese as well. Fuck it, if I could, I'd probably learn all the languages in the world.

Tori looked at her, admiringly. The way her eyes gleamed talking about what she liked made her heart jump. She looked beautiful when she was smiling dreamily. And then she looked back at her, eyes meeting and connecting instantly, her arms brushing slightly. Both had a glint of blush on her cheeks. Tori smiled to herself. She was falling in love with the moment.

And maybe, just maybe, with the girl as well.

.

.

.

 **i have a pounding headache, hope you find this okay**

 **-k**


	4. ----

Tori sat down and handed Jade another water bottle. They were choosing the third movie, after Rent and Chicago. Jade stretched and cracked her neck, loudly. Tori cringed.

\- Let's take a break, my body's aching.

\- Do you want to go into the hot tub? The ceiling is translucent so we can see the rain falling, it feels really nice.

\- Ah yeah, cool!

Both went upstairs to change. Tori lent Jade a black swimsuit and they changed in different rooms. When Jade came out of the bathroom, she saw Tori grabbing some towels and couldn't move her eyes from her tanned skin. When Tori turned around, Jade quickly looked away, blushing. Tori smiled.

Both girls walked downstairs, commenting the movies. Tori turned on the hot tub and after a few minutes, both went in, relaxing.

\- This is heaven. – Sighed Jade. They stayed silent for a while. Tori humming a melody softly, while Jade was almost falling asleep.

\- _And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you'd feel me somehow…_ \- Jade opened her eyes, surprised at the music choice. She loved that song.

\- _You're the closest to heaven that I'd ever been and I don't want to go home right now… -_ Jade sang, quietly. Tori smiled and Jade looked at her, faking a hurt look. – Hey! Don't leave me hanging…

\- Sorry, I like your voice way better. Could you sing it for me? – She said, closing her eyes. She was so, so tired. She leaned to her side slowly, dropping her head in Jade's shoulder. Jade kept singing, without any complaint.

When Jade finished singing, Tori pouted. Jade laughed and stroked her hair, distractedly.

\- Why did you start?

Tori knew exactly what she was talking about.

\- Uh… I don't know…

\- You can tell me.

\- I really don't know, my memories are mixed… I can't remember when something happened, like, I know it happened but I can't place it in a timeline…

\- That's a symptom of depression. – Jade commented, sadly.

\- I'm not depressed – She murmured.

\- Yeah, I doubt that… - Tori flinched uncomfortably and Jade stroked her hair again, to calm her down. – If you wanna know, I started when my mom died.

\- I'm sorry.

\- I don't know if you know this, but she had a sick accident. She was in a lot of pain, and didn't die instantly. We had a fight the night before it happened. – Tori raised her head and looked at Jade. – I remember thinking that if I cut deep enough, I'd be able to feel her pain. I'd be able to connect with her somehow. It was twisted, I know. – She laughed bitterly. Tori hugged her close.

\- I'm so sorry.

\- Don't say it. It has nothing to do with you.

\- Still, I'm sorry you feel this way.

Jade hided her face in Tori's neck and breathed deep. Tori knew she wasn't crying, but she needed the hug. She hummed another song, softly playing with Jade's locks. The rain pounding in the glass made everything more relaxing.

\- I like that you went from hating me to this. – Tori said, smiling. Jade raised her head a little and looked at her.

\- I guess it wasn't real hate. – Tori laughed, still playing with Jade's hair. She sighed contently. – I guess I was just scared. I like you.

\- I like you too.

They fell into comfortable silence again, the confession muffled by the sound of the rain, like it was nothing.

\- I like coming here when it rains. – Tori explained, Jade hummed signaling she was listening. – I look up and see the dark sky, the sound of the rain, the infinite sky. I feel so tiny, so insignificant.

\- You're not…

\- No, you don't understand. I love feeling small, I love coming here and feeling like my disappearance would mean nothing. I feel calm. The world is so big, the universe is so gigantic it wouldn't matter if I was gone. I feel like I can make my own decisions. Like I'm free.

\- You are free.

\- But I'm not! All the decisions I make are conditioned by everything around me. I can't change myself without affecting others. I can't live or die without affecting others…

Jade raised her head and sat straight. She had never thought it that way. Tori held her hand underwater and played with her fingers, softly. She didn't look at her eye.

\- I sometimes wish I could just disappear, make everyone forget me so they wouldn't be sad…

\- If you don't want people to be sad, then don't die. – Jade said, almost pleading.

\- That's why I'm not dead, I guess. But it's sad, don't you think? – Jade looked at her, questioningly. – I'm living this life for others, not for myself.

Tori looked up again.

\- You're the philosophical type. – Jade stated, suddenly.

\- Say what?

\- Your depression, I mean. It's the philosophical type. I'm more the angry type, not thinking about my feelings or analyzing them, just punching everything in the face.

\- I'm not depressed. – Tori said. Jade squeezed her hand.

\- Everything you said is something I had never thought about before, but it was still in my head. I feel so related, but I guess I never thought about it. It's scary.

\- What's scary?

\- Thinking about why you're not normal, like everyone else.

\- What is normal anyway.

Jade smiled at that.

\- I wish I was okay. – Tori looked at her. Her eyes looking down, unshed tears sparkling. She kissed her in the forehead and hugged her close. – I wish you were okay.

\- I am okay. – Murmured Tori, closing her eyes.

\- Promise me something. Promise me you'll go get help. Professional help.

\- Jade…

\- Please. If they tell you you're okay, then I'll let it go. But please, please. Try.

Tori smiled.

\- Okay, but only because you said please a lot of times.

Jade chuckled, but kept her close. Both hugging, obvious sadness in the ambient. But there was also another feeling. A caring feeling, something that felt like love.

.

.

A thunder noise was heard, and then a tiny scream, and then a laugh. There was an empty pizza cardboard in a table, and a scary movie playing on the TV. Jade was sitting on the couch holding a frightened Tori close. She was hiding against her neck after another jumpscare.

\- C'mon, Tori… I picked this movie because jumpscares are lame.

\- I'm gonna have nightmares. – She said, her breath ticking Jade's skin. She felt goosebumps.

\- You're just exaggerating to get me to hug you… - Tori raised her head, blushing deep red. Jade laughed at the sight.

\- So what? I thought you didn't mind…

\- Of course I don't, come here you idiot. – Jade grabbed her wrist and pulled. Tori smiled and landed on Jade's side, sighing happily. They watched the movie silently, Jade holding Tori's hand. Tori not faking more scares.

When they were finished, they cleaned around. Tori stretched and looked at the time. It was almost 1 am. She looked at Jade, who was sleepily checking her phone. Her hair falling on her sides, her beautiful eyes. She smiled. She did like Jade.

She opened her eyes in surprise. She liked Jade! A lot, actually. She was beautiful, funny, caring and soft. She already knew she had a warm side, but nothing could ever compare to what they had shared today. It was almost magical. Tori didn't realize she was still staring until a very amused Jade stood up and waved a hand in front of her eyes. Tori shook her head, and blushed.

\- What are you thinking about? – She asked, smirking.

\- You. – Tori said, not really thinking about it. Jade blushed, and Tori suddenly realized. – I mean…

\- Do you usually think about me, Vega? – Jade said, in a playful mocking way. Tori knew she was trying to hide her blush.

\- Yeah, I do. – She said, looking at her in the eye. "Big mistake" she thought, getting immediately lost in them.

They stared at each other, eyes locked. Jade looked at Tori in a way that only could be defined as adoringly, and she looked at Jade like she was the only thing in the room. Jade took a step closer, Tori placed her hands on her waist and hugged her close. Their faces inches close. Their breaths mixing, tingling their skins. "I need to kiss her." Both thought, and leaned forward.

A door opening made them stop millimeters before meeting, and both opened her eyes wide. Jade jumped back and they quickly made their way to the couch again. The door closed again and Trina dropped her bag in the floor and looked at them.

\- Hey sis, hey crow girl. – She went to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. – I was in this really great party with my friend Marissa when suddenly a hot guy started talking to me, long story short. I'm sorry I didn't call. I know you get all worried when I get home late. – She drank the water and grabbed a snack. – You okay? – She asked worriedly when she saw both girls looking at her, silently.

\- Ah, yeah, sorry we were… We were going to sleep now. – Tori said, quickly. They both stood up and grabbed their things. – It's okay, I knew you were okay. I hope you had fun.

Trina stared at them questioningly. The teens just smiled nervously and disappeared.

.

.

.

\- Oh my god! Your sister, again! – Groaned Jade. Tori locked her door and fell into her bed, letting a nervous laugh out.

\- She always comes when we're… Well, she always interrupts… Nevermind. – Tori sighed, closing her eyes. She felt a weigh on the other side of the bed. – Are you tired?

\- A bit… - Jade said, yawning. Tori smiled and stroked her hand, softly.

\- You're generally so soft and warm, but your hands are really cold. – Tori stated. Jade smiled.

\- Yeah, I've always had cold hands. Hands are a reflect of the heart. – Tori groaned at the comparison, not liking when she said that thinks about herself. Jade smiled and pulled her close, so her head was on Jade's neck. – Your hands are soft and warm, meaning that your heart is soft and warm as well. But they're also full of tiny scars, peeled skin, small bruises and burn marks. They look like hands from someone who works in the country side. – Tori chucked. Jade held her hand in front of her eyes so she could examine them better. – The peeled skin and the little red parts probably hurt. Your hands hurt sometimes. That means that your heart is aching because you work too much for others. - Tori looked at her, surprised.

\- How do you know it's for others and not for myself?

\- Because If you worked for yourself, you would take care of your hands better.

Tori smiled. She liked this game. She held her hand and looked at it, thoughtfully.

\- Your hands are soft, but really cold. You have to get used to the coldness to notice the softness. They're beautiful. Your nails are perfectly done, you probably use some hand cream. – Jade laughed. – But if you look closely, in the palm, there are some rough spots. Like if you had dug your nails really hard a lot of times until you hurt yourself. But then you cured it. And again, it looks like they're perfect. – She paused, looking at Jade in the eye. – Your heart is soft, really soft. But is also aching. You cover it, making it seem like it's perfectly fine, and then you add a cold layer so it's harder to reach. So it's harder to discover that there's a warm, caring side that is so fucking scared of getting hurt.

Jade stared at her, not being able to pronounce a word. Tori laughed and hided her head in her neck, breathing her scent. Falling in deep. Jade smiled widely, holding her close. Her chest filling with a warm feeling.

\- I beat you in your own game. – Tori murmured, mockingly.

\- You did. – Jade said.

\- Did you just… Admit it? – Tori looked up, and her smile turned into shock when she saw tears on her cheeks. – Hey…

\- It's not sadness. – Jade said, looking somewhere in the ceiling.

\- Jade…?

\- It's not sadness. It's something else. I'm… I'm not sad. I'm just… Really relieved… - She closed her eyes and held Tori's hand, smiling. – I feel like you get me. And it's amazing.

\- I adore you. – Tori sighed, her eyes heavy. Jade blushed deeply.

Tori leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on Jade's cheek, wishing her a good night. She smiled, the warm feeling on her chest increasing.

\- Hey, Tori? – She asked, softly. – Can you do that again?

Tori leaned forward, laughing quietly. She was about to reach Jade's cheek when she suddenly felt her head turning and then… She met her lips.

She gasped on surprise, feeling like thousands of butterflies had just broken free on her stomach. She leaned closer, closing her eyes and deepening the kiss, feeling Jade's hand cupping her cheek. Their lips moved together, slowly. Tori placed her hand in the back of Jade's head and gently pulled her closer. It felt amazing. Every single thing about that moment felt incredible. She noticed Jade smiling against her lips, and she kissed her deeper, almost desperately. She didn't want it to end. But it had to.

She reluctantly let Jade break the kiss and they both smiled, foreheads together and breathing heavily. Jade's hand was still on her cheek and she started stroking it, lovingly. Tori opened her eyes and met Jade's in, probably, the most special moment she had ever experienced.

Jade leaned forward and placed a soft kiss in Tori's lips. It was short and sweet. Tori found herself longing those lips as long as they were away from her.

\- Rest well. – Jade murmured, pulling Tori in her embrace. She sighed happily and closed her eyes.

This was a new type of addiction way better than hurting herself.

.

.

.

 **are you the philosophical type or the angry type?**

 **thank you for all the favorites and reviews, it feels nice**

 **\- k**


	5. -----

It was dark when she opened her eyes again. The window casting shadows on the ceiling above her. She waited patiently for the pain to reach her chest, like every single morning, reminding her that she was useless.

However, it didn't come.

She did feel another thing. An arm around her waist, holding her close. A soft breath against her neck. She looked down to watch the sleeping dark-haired mess, who shifted and cuddled close to her, murmuring something. She didn't feel pain, she felt something else.

"This might be love" she thought.

When she opened her eyes again there was light on the room, and she was alone.

She sat on the bed, desperately searching for her. She started to silently panic, "was it all a dream?" and then she stood up, too fast. She didn't have time to reach anything to hold onto, her vision blurring, her knees trembling. She was going to fall.

She felt arms around her and then she collapsed. Everything was dark for a second, and then she opened her eyes again.

\- Thank god, Vega. You scared me so much. – She said, smiling. Tori saw the concern on her eyes, maybe some hidden tears. She smiled. She was still there.

\- I thought you were gone.

\- I was in the bathroom, I didn't want to wake you. Are you okay?

\- I really need to eat.

Jade stood up and slowly helped Tori. She smiled and signaled her to follow.

\- You're lucky I'm such a good cook.

\- Are you? – Tori asked, amused.

\- Nah, but I do cook the best pancakes in all America. – She grinned and kept walking downstairs.

You smiled. Relieved. She was still there and she wasn't denying what happened yesterday. "Maybe she won't leave. Maybe it won't be like last times, she will stay this time…" and then she sighed happily. Jade turned when both reached the kitchen and started making the pancake mix, with Tori's help. Half an hour later, they were both enjoying fresh, delicious breakfast.

\- Well? – Jade asked, smirking.

\- Not bad, West. – Tori said, mouth full.

\- "Not bad"? You can hand them back! – Jade faked a hurt expression and went over Tori's side of the table to confiscate the pancakes. She giggled and defended her breakfast, which ended in some tickling and joke fights.

Tori's smile lighted the room. She felt better than she had ever felt. Jade tried to reach her plate again and she half tackled her. Both looked at each other for a second, blushing. Tori leaned a bit, shyly. Jade closed the gap and kissed her passionately. After a while, they broke apart, breathing heavily and smiling.

\- I missed that. – Tori said absently.

\- It hasn't even been a day. – Jade joked.

\- Too much time. – Tori answered, leaning for another kiss again.

.

.

.

After cleaning around, they both sat in the couch, cuddling and talking about whatever. Jade got her phone and answered some texts from their friends. Tori did the same, apologizing to Andre for not being around. He was worried about her, not entirely buying her fake smiles. She sighed, which didn't go unnoticed by Jade.

\- What's on that bubbly head of yours? – She asked, softly.

\- Andre is worried. I don't think I'm doing a great job with the faking. – Jade looked to the ceiling.

\- Then stop faking.

Tori looked at her, surprised.

\- No one would want to be my friend if I just went around like a living corpse!

\- You don't look like one to me.

\- You don't understand… - Tori smiled sadly, looking away.

\- But I do, Tori. You fake all those smiles and laughs and go around talking so fast, being excited about everything. It's obviously fake. I may have not think about it much in the past, I was too focused on hating you for being so perfect. But now that I think about it… You're just faking a perfection that doesn't exist at all. I like the real you better, way better. She's nice, caring, and fun, like the Tori we know, but she's also relaxed, easy-going… And god, the real smiles look so good on you. – Tori smirked, and Jade laughed. – If you weren't so worried about pretending to be fine, about pretending to have fun and be happy all the time, maybe you'd be able to actually feel it.

Tori smiled, moved. If Jade wasn't such a good singer and actress, she could totally be a psychologist.

\- It's not that easy. What If they don't like me for who I am?

\- You're not that different. You're still the cool, nice girl we know. They're your friends, they will understand.

\- They're friends with a fake me.

\- You're not a character of a play, Tori. You can't entirely fake your personality for your whole life. You might have covered your sad side, but you're still you. I promise. Would you listen to me?

Tori looked at her eyes, then leaned in and stole a quick peck on her lips.

\- I'll listen to you.

\- Good, because we have to talk about another thing.

\- Not that…

\- Yes. You need professional help.

\- But Jade… - Tori groaned, almost comically.

\- No, you promised.

\- I don't want my parents to know. I'm not ready to tell them.

Jade thought about it.

\- Okay, then you can go alone, but you'll have to tell them eventually. Can you afford it?

Tori nodded.

\- We'll search for a good professional this afternoon and you'll start as soon as possible, okay? – Tori nodded again. – It's gonna be easier than you think, I promise. – She winked. – And I'll be here to listen as well.

\- As a friend? – Tori asked, looking at her eyes. Jade leaned closer.

\- As more, if you want… - She murmured, and then kissed her softly, both melting at each other's touch.

They broke apart, and Jade hugged Tori.

\- It's a hard way, I know it. You'll make a step forward and suddenly two steps backwards. It's gonna be tough. – Tori nodded. – But I'm gonna be here.

Tori nudged her head closer to Jade's neck.

\- Be my girlfriend. – She murmured.

\- What? – Jade asked.

\- Be my girlfriend. – Tori asked, more confidently. – I know I should ask you on a date first or whatever but I don't really feel like waiting and I really need some kind of confirmation that you like me as much as I do and won't forget about it in a week…

She was cut by Jade's lips.

\- I would love to.

Tori smiled, happily and scooted closer to her beautiful girlfriend. She sighed. Jade caressing her face and hair.

\- Two intense days, huh? – Jade chuckled.

\- Everything happened so fast, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Both smiled, proudly.

.

.

.

.

A really nervous Tori paced all over her living room. She had her phone on her ear, waiting.

\- Something yet? – Jade asked, equally nervous. Tori shook her head. Jade let go a groan and threw herself on the couch, defeated.

\- Ah, yes? Yes… Oh, it's okay, we didn't wait long. – Tori suddenly said. Jade straightened up and looked at her girlfriend hopefully. – We were told you're the best at your job… Yes… Ah, my name is Tori, Tori Vega… - She went quiet for a while. – Ah, sure! I'd love to meet next week, that'd be great… - She scratched her head. – Yes, that time is okay… Tuesday it is! Thank you so much… I'll meet you there. See you soon! Goodbye… - She hung up and looked at Jade.

\- Well? Tell me everything! – She said, puppy eyeing her. She chuckled.

\- She told me she'd love to meet me to get to know me. She didn't really let me explain the situation, told me that before it, I should decide if I like her enough to be my therapist. She seemed so nice. We're meeting after school on Tuesday.

\- That's good. She has to be good. – She smiled widely. – I'm so happy you did this on your own. I'm so proud of you. – Tori smiled widely. – But we're not done. – She stopped smiling. – You still have to talk to a psychiatrist. – Tori groaned.

\- Isn't a therapist enough? – Jade shook her head.

\- No, baby. Therapists can't give you pills, and you probably need some for your depression.

\- But I'm not…

\- Don't say it. You're not fooling anyone. Let's call my old one, okay? He's really good, you'll love him.

Tori decided to not ask. If Jade knew so much about these topics was probably because she had been on therapy as well, recovering from her cutting addiction. She felt a tiny hit of pain, she didn't want her to feel bad, never again. She'd be there for her.

After calling and setting an appointment with Jade's old psychiatrist, both girls sat down emotionally exhausted.

\- This is exactly how you spend your first day in a relationship. Calling therapists. – Tori joked. Both laughed. Jade looked at her phone and read something.

\- Everyone's meeting on Nozu in an hour. – Tori looked away. – Do you want to go?

\- I told them I was busy…

\- They won't remember. Not when we walk there holding hands, don't you think? – Tori smiled. That was going to be a sight.

\- They're going to go insane about it. I wouldn't want to miss it.

\- Then let's not miss it. Okay? – Tori smiled and hugged her.

Jade wrote "Tori and I are in." on the group chat and put her phone down, ready to kiss her girlfriend, ignoring all the question marks from their friends.

It was sure going to be a night. She smiled. Both running upstairs to get ready. Jade brushed Tori's head, Tori did Jade's makeup. They both shared laughs and kisses. It was almost perfect.

They were ready to walk outside when the door opened, revealing Mr. Vega. Tori looked at him surprised.

\- Ah, hey dad. I wasn't expecting you until late.

\- Hey Tori. Hey… Jade? – He laughed when she nodded and then hugged his daughter, lovingly. – I got tonight and tomorrow off. – He stretched. – Were you going to go out? – Tori nodded.

\- Is mom coming around too? – She asked, hopefully. Mr. Vega looked away.

\- I don't think so, patito, I'm sorry. – He said, scratching his head. Tori looked down, sad.

\- It's okay, I expected it. – She said. She signaled Jade and walked away, ready to leave.

\- Hey! – He said, before they left. – Save tomorrow for me. We could do some cool family plan, what do you think? Tell Trina as well.

Tori smiled widely.

\- I will. See you later dad. – She said. Mr. Vega winked an eye at her and smiled when he saw her daughter holding Jade's hand while they got out.

Jade and Tori walked to Jade's car, laughing and talking. Tori visibly happy.

\- I'm so glad you're going out tomorrow with your dad.

\- Yeah. – Tori said, happily. – I can't remember when was the last time. – Then she frowned a bit. – It would be better if my mom stopped disappearing though, but I'm not gonna let her spoil all the fun.

\- That's the spirit. – Jade said, starting the car.

\- It's just… I know you know it bothers me that my parents are not around, but I know my dad's just working as hard as he can. But my mom…

\- She's never around. Working or free days, she's always away, like if she didn't have a family.

Tori looked at her, surprised.

\- Yeah, exactly…

\- I know what it's like. I have a missing mom as well. – She laughed bitterly. – But I don't want her around. Not anymore. – She drove silently, until she felt a hand over hers. She smiled.

They arrived a bit late, so they hurried to enter the place. It was crowded, people singing in the karaoke. They held hands, looking for their friends. When they spotted them, they approached, nervous. They all stood up to greet them. Andre hugged Tori.

\- Hey chica, I've missed you. Are you okay?

\- Actually, yes. I am. – She smiled, and Andre sighed relieved. It looked real.

Cat hugged them both, asking them a lot of questions. Jade calmed her down and Tori greeted Robbie and Beck. They sat down, ordering. No one really noticed the girls were holding hands when they entered, but all of them were confused about one thing.

\- So… Jade. – Beck said, nonchalantly. – Did you… Did you drive Tori here?

\- Yeah. - She said, shrugging and drinking from Robbie's drink. Tori suppressed a giggle. Beck turned to face her.

\- Are you guys… Okay? – He asked carefully. Tori shrugged, smiling softly.

\- Yeah, why wouldn't we be?

\- Well… She… Kinda pushed you off a chair and then wished you were dead. – Andre murmured. Jade cringed a bit, remembering it. She hadn't forgiven herself yet, but Tori shrugged again.

\- She didn't mean it.

Cat smiled.

\- I knew it! – She said happily. Robbie smiled, but Beck and Andre exchanged confused looks.

\- So… She apologized… And you're okay now?

\- Yeah. – Both said at the same time, enjoying the game.

\- And then… You went to her house to pick her up and drive her here. – Andre finished, puzzled.

\- Nah, she stayed over.

Everyone in the table opened their eyes widely.

\- Rude! I thought you said you were busy! – Whined Cat. Tori patted her on the head.

\- Sorry Cat, it was improvised. Next time we invite you, I promise. – Cat smiled happily.

\- You stayed on her house? For a whole night? – Asked Beck. Andre opened his mouth and then closed it.

\- Correct.

\- Tori, are you okay? Did she torture you? – Tori laughed softly.

\- Sometimes she would not kiss me when I asked, but nah, I'm okay.

The table went silent.

\- You're messing with us, aren't you? – Asked Robbie.

Jade leaned and kissed Tori. She giggled and sighed happily. Everyone in the table wide eyed, looking at them.

\- I want you all to meet my girlfriend, Tori. – Jade finished. Everyone were silent, but Cat, who squealed and hugged their friends.

\- I knew you loved each other! I knew it, I knew it! – Both laughed. Andre was still looking at them, mouth hanging open.

\- Are you guys for real? – He said.

\- I swear. – Tori said, more seriously. – We had an important talk, cleared things out. Turns out we don't hate each other, more like the opposite. – She giggled. – She really helped me. Like, really. I've been…

Jade held her hand, reassuringly. Tori took a deep breath.

\- I've been really sad lately. I hid it from you, from pretty much everyone because I thought you'd leave me if you found out. I thought you'd hate me for changing. But well… Jade here. – She said, lifting her hand. – Helped me understand you're my friends and you would never leave. And she won't leave either. She helped me understand that having… Well… Being… Depressed… Is not something to be ashamed of… – She said, looking at her adoringly. Jade smiled back. All their friends silent.

Andre got up and hugged his best friend.

\- I'm sorry I didn't notice, Tor. I swear if I had known, I'd done anything to help.

\- I didn't make it easy, Andre. I'm sorry too.

After their hug, all their friends got up and hugged her in a big group hug, even Jade took part for a second. Then they talked a bit about it, about Jade and Tori's relationship and about school and homework. Tori felt like she had dropped a huge weight on her chest, feeling lighter. She laughed and enjoyed the time with her friends, who were happy for her and her newfound love, but also concerned and helpful about her sadness. None of them questioned her, and if they had done, Jade was there, protecting her.

When the food arrived, they were all laughing and talking like usual. Robbie making terrible jokes, Beck and Andre talking about some new cute girls in school and Tori listening to Cat and Jade's conversation, absently drawing patterns on Jade's hand.

\- Hey Tor. – Said Andre. She looked at him smiling. – I'm glad you're better now. – She smiled. Beck nodded, inquiring the same. They fell into comfortable conversation. Tori felt happy, the happiest she had ever felt.

How could she have thought they would hate her?

.

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.

 **hey**

 **so I need to clear some things**

 **i use "" for thoughts and – for conversations because that's how we do it in my country**

 **i didn't realize it was different in english, sorry about that, I wont change it tho. I don't think it's that important. It's fanfic, not a novel. You don't need to hate about it in the reviews, thank you**

 **also you might find some british expressions mixed with american ones. And grammar mistakes (a lot of them) im sorry again. Im not English. I know three other languages and I mix them a lot.**

 **About the story, im sorry if you find it rushed. They did go from hate to love in a second, but well**

 **ah I hope the rest are enjoying this and sorry about everything else I guess**

 **\- k**


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